Countdown of a Lifetime

Down to 15 days.

I had my farewell this past sunday. As I look back, it doesn’t seem real at all. I am in a dream-like state right now. This has been true for the past few months.

It isn’t always this way though. Sometimes reality will hit me, if only for a brief second. Just enough to jar me sideways and remind me of what is to come. Even then I am not phased. 

I feel as if I were completely numb to the fact that I am leaving my life for 18 months. Subconsciously, I believe, my mind has found a way to repress my feelings (of sadness, nervousness, etc.) and put them far away from any risk accidental retrieval.  It is the only feasible explanation to me. 

This does not excuse me from the ever-present cloud of stress hanging over my shoulders. I feel the tiniest of details slipping through my grasp and the familiar twinge of panic starting to set in. What if I forget mosquito repellant? How do I get my passport back from Travel services before I leave? Do I have enough shirts and skirts? Are dark green tights a conservative color? The amount of all of these minuscule questions is nauseating, 

After all of this, I still do not believe that I am going to Russia. 

I cannot fathom that I am learning a new language. Not only that, but I have been guaranteed to be going to a new country to learn a new language. Which is exactly what I wanted to do when I decided I wanted to go on a mission. Now all I wanted is at the edge of my fingertips, and it is hard for me to wrap my head around this. 

I think it was Elder Holland who said something like, “Sometimes in times of trouble we have to hold on to the things we do know, and we know that God loves us.”

I know that through my times of trouble and strife I can find peace and guidance. Even though I complain about it now, I believe that all things will work out through Heavenly Father on his time. 

-Sister James